Avoiding Mixed Signals & More
Yes, it’s that time once again: The day we feature your dating and relationship questions. Although we would like to answer each one personally and with as much detail as possible, the overwhelming amount of inquiries forces us to highlight those that are most interesting to AskMen.com readers.
This week’s Q&A focuses on making conversation easier at the bar and maintaining “congruency” when talking to women. David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, has your answers.
I have been somewhat using your Cocky & Funny techniques unconsciously: teasing the girls, making fun of them but not putting them down. (I guess it’s part of my personality.) I make some of the girls I work with, as well as my customers, laugh.
The thing is, when I go out to a bar or a nightclub, or anywhere else for that matter, I tend to clam up for some reason. I might even give the impression to others that I’m a tight-ass because I don’t open my mouth. I know I can keep the ball rolling once I have the girl’s attention. My problem is the icebreaker. I feel like I don’t I have any interesting things to say to start up a conversation. My question is. how can I prepare myself to be more cocky? What icebreakers can I use and not look like a Wuss at the same time?
david d. responds
Most guys are afraid of approaching women and starting conversations. When you say the words “ice breaker,” you
assume that a woman is going to respond to you “coldly.” The fact is that there is a certain percentage of women out there who are happy, open and receptive in general, and a certain number who are cold, closed and not receptive.
I had a guy come to my last seminar in Los Angeles who went out and started approaching women. He came back into the seminar the next day and told this story: He said that he couldn’t believe how he let his past negative programming stop him from starting conversations with women. He had gone out and walked up to women, one after the other, and simply said: “Hi, I’m out meeting people tonight, what’s your name?” and women were giving him all kinds of positive responses.
Just remember that most women will respond somewhere in the range of “neutral” to “positive” if you say almost anything to them. Now, if you want to start conversations in bars and nightclubs and you just can’t get up the nerve to do it, try this: Find a busy place near the bar where people are lining up to order drinks. Find a place where people are literally crammed together like sardines. Work your way up to the bar at the busiest spot, and either stand there, or get a chair there.
The idea is that you want to be where a lot of women will walk up to the bar during the evening and accidentally bump into you.
If you really want to make this work for you, wear a loud or unique shirt, something that has a soft, “feely” texture. Over the course of a few hours, some conversations will start by themselves. Women will say, “excuse me” and try to get past you. Some women will ask you to order a drink for them. Some will just bump up against you by accident and then apologize.
Take a few minutes, and think up some good responses that fit your personality, and have them ready.
Try: “Look, if you wanted to start a conversation with me you could have just said, ‘hi,’ you didn’t have to be violent about it.”
That should get you started. The point is that there’s a way to put yourself in a situation that automatically sparks conversations. You just need to be ready when it happens.